How do you rebuild?

It’s been a while since I have posted, a lot has been going on but I will go into that another time…

Right now there is an emergency here in Australia. We are on fire. We are scared. We are losing people, animals, houses and land. So much land. I am so lucky to be safe at the moment but that cannot be said for many, many people.

As of this evening there have been around 6.3 million hectares of land burnt. 2500 buildings lost. About 480 million creatures lost. And most heart breaking of all – 24 lives lost. People who were fighting the fires, people who have families, people who will be forever missed.

When there is any sort of loss, especially being so devastating and unexpected, it is so hard to know how to go on from here. Where do you start? How do you keep going? What is the next step? Can I handle it?

The answer is yes. Yes, you can handle it. It will be so, so hard but you can do it. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute or second by second if that’s all you can handle. No matter the situation, someone can help you. Don’t try to do it on your own.

I am so proud to be an Australian today. There have been so many examples of people lending a helping hand – showing the Aussie spirit – over these past few days, weeks, months. There are always people in your life who want to lend a hand, to help you out, to take some of your load.

If you are affected by the fires in any way, I hope you are safe! If you are on the front lines protecting us, I thank you! If you are feeling overwhelmed by your situation, I am praying for you!

If you, like me are at a loss of how to help there are so many places to donate, one of which is Celeste Barber’s fundraising effort (so amazing to have already raised so much – $10 million so far!) that I have linked: https://www.facebook.com/donate/1010958179269977/10156677839176720/

As the fires continue to blaze a trail across our sunburnt country I will be praying. Praying for rain to bring relief. Praying for energy for those who can’t sleep. Praying for peace for those who are worrying. Praying for safety for all who are affected.

Whatever situation you are currently in I hope that you know how amazing you are. That you can see how much you can achieve in the face of your loss, of your feelings of brokenness, of whatever tough situation you find yourself in. And as you rebuild from whatever has broken you, just know you have someone who can help – even if it is only me writing this to remind you that you can!

You have been approved.

Have you every felt like you aren’t important? That who you are is not what people want?

If you have ever felt that, do you then try and change who you are so others like you more? Do you work extra hard to get the approval that you know probably won’t come?

I’m about to start a new job. Guys, I’m going back to childcare! And I already feel like I am wanted there. From the second I started my interview I felt like they liked and wanted me for who I am and what I brought to the table.

It’s really hard spending so much of your life at work and not feeling valued. To feel like the things that make you who you are, are the parts that others don’t like.

Over the last couple of months I have had to learn (and have many reminders from my Mum) that I shouldn’t be looking to others to feel valued. All I need is God’s approval. He is the one who I should be working hard for. Not my family, not my friends, not my boss.

Yes, I need to work hard, do my best and respect those around me. But if they don’t like who I am then that is ok. Hard to handle, but ok. Going into my new job I will be keeping this at the forefront of my mind!

I want to be making decisions based on God’s plan for me, not on whether I feel appreciated for my work ethic. I need to remember that not everyone is going to understand who I am and that’s ok. Everyone has a right to their own opinions and I have the right to ignore it because I have God’s approval. Plus it’s a lot easier to get!

People power.

The other day when I was driving somewhere I saw some road construction workers setting up on the median strip. There were 2 women unpacking all the gear from the back of the ute, setting up signs and cones. A little further along were 4 men standing on the side of the road, staring at something on the ground.

This made me laugh because generally women are there to get stuff done! But, it also reminded me of a podcast I listened to a while ago. It was about LaDonna, who was treated like less of a human by her male superiors because she was a woman.

If you have some time I highly recommend a listen!

LaDonna Podcast

Now I am all for people being treated fairly. I know there are wonderful men out in the world and there are terrible women too. But I can only go on my own experiences, as a woman.

I know that as a woman I will most likely be paid less for doing the same job as a man.

I know that as a woman I have had men say sleazy things to me and think it’s a funny joke.

I know that as a woman I am hesitant to go anywhere on my own, especially at night.

I know that as a woman I am more likely to suffer from abuse – sexual, verbal and physical.

I understand that men experience many of these things too and many women don’t. I’m not here to be a ‘burn your bras’ activist or anything like that. I am so grateful for the very important role that men play in the world and in my life. Men have it tough too! I am just saying it’s not easy to be a woman.

Let’s just say it’s tough to be a human! 

So as the new year is kicking off, let’s do as Ellen does and be kind to one another. No matter the person, their circumstances or ours. Life is hard so lets help each other out and make sure NO ONE feels inferior! 

Nobody’s perfect.

Recently I found some old diaries and my school year books whilst going through my bedroom at my parent’s house. I am such a sentimental person and love reminiscing, so obviously I had to read through them all! They were very entertaining!!

On the first page of a diary dated February 2007, I had written,

“I feel like I just want to be a rebel and hit rock bottom, then I’ll be able to to change my life. Everything I do or that happens makes me more angry, tiny things are making me worked up. I CAN’T HANDLE IT ANYMORE! Every night I lie in bed and pick at how bad I’ve been in the day, what I’ve done wrong. I want to start new, all over again but I say that practically every day and by 10 o’clock I have stuffed up”

Rereading this made me roll my eyes a little at how dramatic I  sounded, but I was also sad that I had felt that way. Sad about the struggles I must have been going through (which I don’t remember 11 years on). To have felt so overwhelmed and that everyday life was too much, it must have been something serious.

To have felt like I had no purpose, that there were no joys in my life – it just made me sad.

I know that what I wrote was only a tiny snippet of my life as an almost 17 year old. I know that as a teenager things can be blown out of proportion. I know that during this time in my life I was consumed (like most teenagers) about being the best, looking the prettiest and not making mistakes. I’m still definitely like this, having high expectations of myself and getting upset when I don’t reach them!

But as I’ve grown up I have come to realise that I am not perfect and no-one really expects me to be. God certainly doesn’t (which is a huge relief!) and really, His opinion is all that I should be focussing on. I am enough as I am and as long as I try my hardest – which may look different from day to day – then that’s all that matters.

So on those days when life seems too much, when your expectations aren’t met or you are just having a bad day and feeling like a super dramatic teenager. Remember this: don’t worry about being perfect, don’t beat yourself up but be the best YOU!

God sees your flaws but he sees you as perfection anyway.

xxx

Life is no fun when you’re avoiding it!

 

Does anyone else go extreme avoidance when they are overwhelmed? That has been my life lately – hence why I’ve been a little absent on the blog front.

I’m almost 2 years past a really traumatic event that round-house kicked me in the guts and flipped my life upside down. But I can’t seem to get out there and try again. Right after it happened I was pro-active, getting straight back into teaching (probably too soon) and that turned out bad too. So now my go-to move is to avoid, to do the bare minimum, to not put myself out there because I terrified that I am going to get wounded again.

I had these big plans for my life, I started studying my Grad Dip in Play Therapy to help get me there, I got a new job, I joined the Volunteer Fire Brigade. I tried so hard to do all this new stuff and be brave but it hasn’t led me to my perfect future yet! I’ve been studying a year and a half and am still no closer to knowing what my big plans are.

This scares me! What if it doesn’t work out? What if people don’t like me? What if someone hurts me? What if I get caught in the cross fires again and cop an arrow straight to the heart? What if I can’t do it?

So yeah, I’ve been avoiding stuff. Avoiding conversations I know I should have. Avoiding my uni work and not putting in as much effort as I know I can. Avoiding looking into options for my future. Avoiding spending time with God. Avoiding going to a place where I don’t know many people. Avoiding doing my assignment that is due on Monday! Just being an ostrich and shoving my head so far in the ground, hoping it will be different when I come up for air the next time.

There’s this thing in my brain that says if you don’t try as hard as you did at that teaching job then you won’t get hurt as much as you did. Now I know how stupid that sounds and that what happened to me had nothing to do with how hard I worked and how much I loved my job.  But the voice is still there, telling me to just avoid it and then no-one can hurt me and nothing can go wrong.

Here’s some things I read about avoidance behaviours (and I pretty much encapsulate them all!)

• You avoid conversations that may lead to conflict (check!)
• You don’t test the actual reality of your fears (check!)
• You fear and avoid things that might bring up negative memories (check!)
• You assume the worst (CHECK!)
• You put off activities that are unpredictable or create uncertainty (check!)
• You try to avoid any potential of making someone else angry or upset (check!)
• You avoid putting yourself out there (check!)

Now I am learning that avoiding stuff is a great short-term technique to escape my fears but it is also a wonderful long-term strategy to guarantee suffering. So there’s no point in sticking my head in the sand because my issues will just keep coming back again and again until I face it, deal with it and learn from it.

So here are some other things to help when you (but mostly me) feel overwhelmed and want to just run back to bed!

• Your body will tell you when you are slipping into avoidance mode, so stop and think about what your avoiding and then work on shifting your behaviours.
• Don’t assume that a conversation will be bad or the outcome will be the worst, you won’t know until you try and it might turn out better than you expected!
• Break big projects into small, less overwhelming steps.
• Catch yourself before you go down the black hole of worry because the worst case scenario you are concocting in your head will most probably never come to fruition.
• Do it now! Stop putting it off because while you are avoiding it the stress is just building and building.
• Find the evidence. For example: I am avoiding writing my assignment because I’m worried I might fail. I need to look back on my past results, have I failed any? Only one. So the likelihood that I will fail this one is slim.
• Take responsibility if you do make a mistake. We are all human and it does happen – even for perfectionist like me 🙂

Avoidance won’t solve any of our problems or block any of our worries. So let’s make a deal – let’s try these strategies and stop avoiding the things that scare us because they very well may end up being the best thing we ever did!

Puppy love

About 3 months ago I gained a new best friend. ‘Man’s best friend’. A puppy.

His name is Clifford and he is wonderful and weird and so so cute! I did not know I would adore him as much as I do. He distracts me endlessly with snuggles and zoomies and his general cuteness.

In a very short time I have realised that I could not live without him now. I like having him around. I like that he gets excited to see me even if I only went to get the mail. I like that he has to have a paw on me whenever we are sitting together. I like that he looks at me to check he is doing the right thing sometimes. I like that he sits on my foot and stares at me whenever I’m cooking chicken in the kitchen. I like that if you scratch his neck he licks you. I like that he loves playing with bugs. I like so much about him!

I notice little things about him too. That he has a little kink in the end of his tail. That one ear flips back more than the other. That he does a weird walk around the yard when he needs to poop. That he has 2 little cowlicks in the fur on his butt. That he does a funny little run to hide under the table when he knows it’s bed time. That he won’t drink water out of something another dog has drunk out of.

This (healthy) new obsession of mine occupies much of my time, and it got me to thinking about just how much God loves me. He is more than obsessed with me. He notices me and he knows everything about me because he made me!

He knows that when I can’t be bothered to wash my hair I wear bandana. He knows that I like my couch cushions arranged in a certain way. He knows that I don’t like wholemeal bread. He knows that when I am tired I am more likely to kick my toes. He knows that I am a sucker for caramel popcorn.

He sees each little insignificant thing! He loves each hair on my head – just think about the enormity but also the intimacy of that! He loves who I am and He loves who you are!

He sees me when I am at my lowest and at my highest and every moment in between. He loves me WAY more than I could ever love Clifford (which is A LOT!). It is said about dogs that they love you unconditionally and I now know this to be true. But for God it is so much more than puppy love, it is so much deeper and even more unconditional than that of man’s best friend.

There is nothing we have to do to deserve this love and nothing that we have done or ever could do to stop it. When we feel partial or fractured, God’s love completes us, heals us, embraces us. His love is perfect even though we are not.

And like a dog with a bone, He will never give up!

Who’s that girl? No idea, I’ve never met her.

Have you ever thought about what super power you would have?

Well when I was at school my friends used to call me ‘The Invisible Girl’. It was a funny little joke about how teachers would regularly overlook me or miss when I answered a question. Many times in my life I have had the unwanted super power of invisibility.

Growing up in church you meet a lot of different people. There have been a lot of times when I would met someone and we would have ourselves a lovely conversation. Then the very next week they would ask if it was my first time there.

The Invisible Girl strikes again!

Until the last year or so being invisible felt like part of who I was, I often felt forgotten or un-noticed. That I was only known and remembered for the people I was around – the “oh your so-and-so’s friend” was a regular comment for me. I am not the loudest or most boisterous of people so tend to get lost in the crowd. I’m definitely more of a small group kind of gal!

Feeling invisible or being overlooked can really hurt. You feel less important than those who are louder than you. You feel like your input doesn’t matter. You feel like your personality isn’t as fun and outgoing as those who are the life of the party.

But I have come to realise that God sees me. I’m not The Invisible Girl to him. He notices and values me. Always. When I am sitting on my own at church. When I am studying. When I am having a bad day. When I am driving or cooking or crying. He sees it all!

And no matter what my personality is or where I am or what I am doing, He knows and understands what is going on for me. He doesn’t want me to change. He loves that I am awkward and a little shy, He loves that you have no fear and can talk to anyone and everyone or that you can sing to a bunch of people or that you would prefer to be at home with family.

So be an introvert, be an extravert, be shy, be loud, be creative, be logical, be strong, be kind, be thoughtful, BE YOURSELF.

What was old is new again.

Does anyone else love Op shopping? I love the searching. I love the bargains. I love giving something a new home. I do always wonder what purpose it served before it ended up at Vinnies though…

Did it sit in someone’s cupboard gathering dust? Did it have pride of place in someone’s pool room? Was it passed down through generations of a family? Was it made in another country? Did it survive a house fire? Was it just being a paperweight? What was its purpose?

Over the last 10 months or so I have often wondered what my purpose was. What am I supposed to do with my life? What is my next step? Where should I work? Who should I be? Am I a teacher? Should I study? Am I just the unemployed pyjama wearing Jess that has popped up so regularly (I do love my pjs but there is definitely more to me than that!)?

Recently I started working in a new job, a job in a cafe. I haven’t worked in hospitality since I was a uni and it was a really hard decision to start looking for work there. I ummed and ahhed about it for several months because I felt like I was talking a step backwards in my life. I felt like I would be a beautiful handmade statue being a doorstop, serving little purpose.

It was hard for me to put childcare behind me (at least for now) and go back in an industry I didn’t have the same passion for. But this job has turned out to be exactly what I need at the moment – giving me a new purpose. Just like turning an old fence into a brand new picture frame or a table getting a new lick of paint and looking snazzy again.

I always saw hospitality as a means to an end, it was the job I had to get me through uni the first time. I guess it still serves that purpose for me as I am currently studying again but it means more to me this time. It has brought stability back into my life after a long time of feeling like I was drowning. Stability in my finances, in my routine, in my happiness. I am feeling less anxious, I am feeling less overwhelmed and I’m excited to go to work again (which is nice after well over a year of not!).

So for any other How I Met Your Mother fans, it’s not like Barney says…new is not always better!

Humble or Haman?

Anyone ever watched Veggie Tales as a kid? Or an adult? Let’s be honest it’s funnier as an adult! The tale of Esther is one of my favourite bible stories as well as VT episodes. For anyone who doesn’t know the story of Esther you should definitely go watch the episode or here’s the quick version…

The King’s Mrs has been given the flick because she didn’t come when he called so he is on the hunt for a new Queen. Haman is the King’s right-hand man and a little up himself. He travels around and collects all the eligible bachelorette’s and brings them to the King. The King chooses Esther. Esther and Mordecai are cousins. Haman is not a fan of Mordecai – a guard of the King’s gate – because he won’t bow down to Haman, so he decides to kill Mordecai and his family, including Esther who is now the queen, and tricks the King into signing off on this. Mordecai convinces Esther to go to the King without permission (which is a big deal) and she says something along the lines of “Hey dude, your 2IC is about to off me, your new Queen and my cuz over here, what are you gonna do about it?”. The King is not happy because he likes his new Queen so he pops Haman and his 10 sons up on a spiky 23 metre pole, which is kind of ironic because Haman erected said pole to spike Mordecai. Also, I think there is a feast that happens at some point.

Recently I was reading about Esther’s tale and came across Haman, a character I hadn’t really paid much attention to before (in the Veggie Tales episode he’s the butternut pumpkin shaped dude). He is the bad guy in this story – trying to get everyone killed and what-not. He makes a lot of dodgy choices and doesn’t really consult the King who has the authority.

But as I was reading I realised he probably didn’t think he was a super douche. He thought that the King was going to honour him with a parade and a robe and a horse. He felt so confident that he was right and Mordecai was wrong that he went ahead and created the super spiky pole.

It got me to thinking that sometimes we can be so confident that we are making the right decision we go ahead with it before consulting God or others that it may impact. Now there is much less people on spikes these days but the concept remains the same. We think we’ve made the perfect choice for our family or future and we go around telling everyone that we are going to have a parade in our honour or a royal robe or God coming down to Earth and saying “You are so much better at this than me so let’s swap places”. When really we are creating our very own 23 metre impaling device.

I don’t want to ever become to so sure my decisions are best without discussing them with others it might impact. Decisions like knocking out a wall in my house before chatting to my Landlord (don’t worry Aunty Gwen I would never do that!) or deciding that my shift at work should start an hour later without letting my boss know. That’s extreme but you get the picture!

I want to be humble in approaching others with suggestions, even if I think it’s the best idea in the world! I don’t want to go through life expecting a parade whenever I do something. I mean a parade with a fancy robe and people saying I am amazing would be cool but it shouldn’t be the reason I do things. My actions should reflect what is right for me and I should consult God or others who have more knowledge than me before I go around proclaiming I am all that.

Like Esther, who was humble and respectful, we should work hard in silence and let our carefully considered actions make the noise.

 

Scars and all.

Personally, I am a fan of the Facebook ‘On This Day’ feature. Looking through each days’ memories is normally one of the first things I do in the morning, I really enjoy being reminded of things that happened 2 or 3 or even 9 years ago (side note: I cannot believe I have had Facebook for 9 years!). I just love the nostalgia of seeing a photo of something fun I did with a friend or reading a conversation that has zero context and makes no sense to me years on or re-reading the cringe worthy updates from back then.

The past is important, I’ve said it before – we shouldn’t forget it. A couple of days ago I had a memory pop up on Facebook about attending my graduation ceremony 3 years ago! I remember feeling so accomplished and so excited to be starting (actually having already started) work in a job I had dreamed about.

On that day 3 years ago I didn’t know the skills I would learn, the friends I would make, the hurts I would have or the scars I would gain from that job. 3 years on, life has changed and I spent most of the day working – in a restaurant – getting prune hands from doing dishes, spilling some sort of sauce on my shoe and being at the start of another journey.

Not really where I thought I would be 3 years on from the day of my graduation! A special day where I got to get my hair done, wear a nice dress and doff my cap at some old guy I had never seen before! But, that is something I am slowly coming to terms with, I may not be where I thought I was heading but that doesn’t mean it’s not where I am supposed be going. Who knows where I’ll end up? But I am trying to enjoy the journey that is getting me there!

The adventure of life is like a train trip – bit of a cliche, I know! But as we travel along, we pick up passengers and their baggage. We collect a range of different experiences and we learn different lessons from them all. Some of them leave their bags behind or create some damage to how well we function. There are some that depart without us even really noticing but there are others that cover us in graffiti and really make a mess in our carriages.

I know that I am lucky to not have many scratched up windows from my trip so far. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have scars, they’re just not ones that you can see. It also doesn’t mean that if you don’t have scabby, pussy wounds to show off that you aren’t going through something that hurts! We all need to show empathy and patience because we don’t know what someone else is going through.

A person who looks all put together, always smiling, never seeming to have anything going wrong might be covering up some real pain. Their scars might be much more than skin deep, but heart deep. Their family might be in a crisis, they might be dealing with the loss of a friend or a relationship breakup. They may be sleep deprived from working 3 jobs or scared because they don’t feel safe at home. You just don’t know!

Each one of us has our own scars, inside or the outside, and we all have stuff to deal with. Why not use it to help someone else? We might be able to understand because we have scars from our own similar experiences. We know the way not to handle that situation and we have some strategies that helped us to get through it.

So, on this day in 2017 – look back on all the passengers that have jumped on to your train, leaving a mark and think of how you can embrace them and help others with what you have gone through.