But I’m scared!

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Picture this…

It’s past midnight and I’m well and truly asleep. A noice wakes me and my heart starts beating a million miles an hour. I’m on my own, so there shouldn’t be any noise. There it is again! It’s a rustling sound and it’s coming from the kitchen. I grab my hockey stick and head towards it, but the floor outside my room creaks and my legs stop. They’re glued to the carpet. I try to slow my breathing so I can hear over my heartbeat. Adrenaline is coursing through by whole body and I’m ready to start crying. I’m thinking ‘what am I going to do? Clobber someone over the head with my hockey stick? I can’t do that!’. What do I do? I am so scared…

I don’t know if you’ve heard of the Fight, Flight, Freeze response? It’s what our brain does when it thinks we are in danger. It will either attack to protect us or those around us, flee from the danger or freeze you in place.

Now I know my story above sounds pretty scary and how lucky am I to have survived a burglar!? How brave was I to confront the source of the sound? Turns out the sound I heard was just a bunch of cockroaches having a party in my kitchen. Not really scary hey? Boy, did I feel silly! Especially after turning on every single light in my house just to double check (even after I discovered it was just roaches). The thing is my brain didn’t know that it was just some gross bugs but it tried to protect me anyway.

Sometimes in life we get scared, though not always of something tangible. It might be the unknown or a memory of something or being worried something similar to a scary time will happen again. And here’s what I have learnt, our brain protects us whenever it perceives that we are in danger. So a loud noise might reignite the reaction in our brain or a smell similar to something from when we were scared in the past might trigger that same feeling of fear.

I am in a bit of a limbo stage in my life at the moment and I am scared of what next step to make. Now my brain is not trying to protect me from danger by giving me super human strength or super fast running legs. It is however making me think A LOT! It is mulling over every possibility of what my future could possibly look like to ensure I am ready for whatever comes at me. Isn’t our brain amazing?!

I am scared none-the-less though. I am scared of making the wrong choice. I am scared of sucking at whichever path I choose and I am scared of putting myself back out there and being treated like crap again. But here’s the thing, if I just stay here in this limbo stage I think I might lose my mind from boredom! And sitting around in my house, being too scared to make that next step is not what God wants for me. He wants me to be brave, like I was that night when I went to discover what the noise was.

He wants me to step out in faith. As Nike says to Just Do It. He will show me if that wasn’t the right step by closing that door. And then I go to the next door, and the next and the next until I find that ‘thing’ that God has in store for me. Being scared shouldn’t stop me from trying! It might make me pause but it’s up to me to push past the many possibilities my brain has conjured up and have a go.

Now I could say ‘don’t be scared’ but I won’t because we will all feel scared at some point and it’s all part of our super clever brain trying to keep us safe. I will say though,  listen to your brain when it gives you that little niggle that something doesn’t feel quite right. But be brave and try not to let fear stop you from living your life!

Sing and be merry!

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It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Step into Christmas. Have yourself a merry little Christmas. Have a holy jolly Christmas. And all other carols!

I am really getting into the carols this year and I thought to get you all ready and excited I would share my top 10 Christmas carols of this year. Then you can start a playlist of your own and play it non-stop for the next 10 days (although I have been playing my Christmas songs playlist solidly for at least 4 weeks now!!)

Now it has been very hard for me to choose only 10 (mostly because my Spotify playlist it 191 songs and growing!)…so here goes!

10. ‘Up On The House Top’ by The Jackson 5

9. ‘I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday’ by Wizzard – I really do!

8. ‘Sleigh Ride’ by Human Nature & Jessica Mauboy

7. ‘White Christmas’ by The Drifters

6. ‘Silver Bells’ by Michael Buble & Naturally 7

5. ‘Step Into Christmas’ by The Puppini Sisters

4. ‘Last Christmas’ by Wham! – couldn’t miss out this classic!

3. ‘Jingle Bells’ by Michael Buble & The Puppini Sisters

2. ‘Holly Jolly Christmas’ by Michael Buble

And 1. All Christmas songs by Pentatonix. That counts right? It was just too hard choose!

I hope this has inspired you to get into the Christmas spirit and dust off the ol’ singing voice! Let me know your favourites.

While Christmas really is the most wonderful time, don’t forget there is more to it than all the twinkly lights, presents & food babies. Enjoy time with family – whether they are your immediate family or an adopted one – and share the love. But remember the love that was given to all of us on Christmas Day many thousands of years ago.

Merry Christmas to you all xx

 

 

Remember or forget?

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Being that the year is drawing to a close, one might be forgiven for reminiscing over the year that has been 2016. This has also gotten me thinking about the years that came before that and what occurred during them as well.

I know that many people say – ‘leave the past in the past’ or ‘don’t let your past define you’ – and I think that dwelling on what has already happened is not the best option. Although, I do think it is important to remember what your life has been up until this moment as it has made you who you are.

There is a lot to learn and to remember from the past. There are moments of laughter and celebration. Moments of broken hearts that made me want to give up. Moments shared with friends or conquered on my own. Moments that have shaped me. Moments that have all happened in the past.

Yes, the past is done and there is absolutely nothing we can do to change our choices, take away our memories or even erase our embarrassing hairdos. So let’s store them all away so we can think back to how all of these times have made us who we are. And make sure we don’t repeat certain things!

Whether you have experienced something really tough or been hurt by someone else. Had a great adventure with a friend or achieved something you didn’t think you could on your own. These moments all played a part in creating the glorious person YOU are this very second – scars and all!

Use your past to keep you grounded and remind you of the bad choices you may have made so you don’t repeat them. The crappy things that have happened to you so you can avoid those situations where possible. The people who treated you badly so you don’t treat others that way. The things you have achieved and how that felt so you can strive to feel that way again.

So I don’t know about you but I am definitely not letting my past consume me! I am going to use it as a springboard for being the best person I can be though!! Someone wonderful told me recently, when you feel like the roof is pressing down, use it as the floor for your next story – a platform if you will – that leads you onwards and upwards.

The past may be hard, we have all experienced things that we don’t want to revisit. But they happened, as crappy as they were, they happened. I’m sure there’s also some amazing experiences too, so focus on them!

So what do you think? Will you remember or will you forget?

Saying goodbye

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Goodbyes are not easy, especially when they aren’t expected. Whether it be to a person, a place, an experience or a season of your life. But when you think about it, how lucky are we to have known someone or experienced something in our life that is so hard to say goodbye to. Surely the memories are worth it!

The last little while has been hard for me. I left my teaching job quite abruptly due to a bunch of reasons and didn’t get to do the goodbye thing. These last few months I’ve been recovering from the stress of it all and I haven’t had a chance to really remember.

Remember the good times I had. Remember the aspects of my job that I loved. Remember the wonderful people I worked with. Remember the families I got to know over the past two and a half years. Remember the children, the children that eternally have my heart and currently monopolise my thoughts, wondering how they are and if they miss me.

But I have been lucky enough to catch up with a couple of the families and almost all of the staff I worked with. How lovely that has been! What wonderful people I hope to have in my life for a long time to come. Seeing all these people has reminded me of the things I loved, the things I miss and has forced me to say goodbye.

Goodbye to who I was there and goodbye to what happened. Sometimes though, it’s not the goodbyes that hurt it’s the flashbacks that follow. It’s nice to be reminded of the good times but sometimes that just makes it hurt more, makes you miss it more. Reminds you of the crappy stuff you went through too.

Although I know I made the right decision for myself, I have realised that I miss it. I miss Early Childhood and I miss being part of something that impacts a child’s future. I miss always having paint or glue on me somewhere. I miss making resources. I miss reading stories. I miss eating cakes made of sand. I miss it all! I have had to say goodbye to that for a little while, which is hard. Sometimes goodbyes are just ‘see you later’. That’s what I hope for being a teacher.

Goodbyes are hard, because sometimes they mean letting go of something. Moving on. Maybe it’s a relationship that is no longer healthy or a friendship that has become one-sided. Maybe it’s a plan you had. Maybe it’s something that you don’t want to move on from.

But you know what they say…”If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t, it never was, and it’s not meant to be”.

It’s just me

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I’ve been living on my own for the last month, after living with housemates for the past 6 or so years. And it has been really lovely, I’ve been able to just be for a while but it has also given me a lot of time to think about my life and about me.

Being single is all I have ever known (except for that 6 hour relationship I had in year 7 where I didn’t talk to or see my “boyfriend”) and you know what? I like being single! I don’t know why there are so many people so obsessed with being in a relationship. I mean, yes, I want to be a ‘we’ but why can’t I enjoy being single until that day comes? Why is it that people struggle to be on their own?

I mean, come on – I can not shave my legs for a week and no-one complains! (except the kids at work who discover I have spikes!). I think I have learnt so much being on my own, I have been able to know myself better and become really sure of what I want when I do become an ‘us’. I have also been able to learn more about who I am in God. I think – actually I know, that if I had been a ‘we’ before now I would not have been able to grow as much as I have. If I had had a boyfriend going through my HSC or through uni I think I would have probably flunked as I know how distracted I get when I just have a crush. I would have missed out on some really important opportunities for growth in my life.

A girl I know from my hometown wrote a book called One Single Purpose and it has really helped me on this journey of being a single gal. It has a lot of reminders about why you should enjoy the stage you are at. It has a lot of stories that make me feel like it is ok that I am 26 and single because there are amazing things in store for me no matter my age and no matter my Facebook relationship status. Whether they be on my own or with someone else, I’m not sure yet.

Don’t get me wrong I want to be a Mrs, but I have had to accept that God has other plans for me right now and I would have missed them if I was too busy drooling over Mr tall, dark and handsome. It is a struggle that I have to work through all the time, when I get distracted by cuties I have to mentally say to myself “I am not here to find a husband. I am here for this particular experience”. It sounds really silly when I write it but it really is something I have to make myself do because God didn’t put me on this earth just to be part of an ‘us’ – that may be something he has in store for me down the track (and gosh I hope he does!) – but it’s not the only thing he has planned.

Sometimes I question why I am still single because it’s something I have always wanted, to be a ‘we’. It really hurts sometimes – like, is there something about me that is the reason why? (watching The Bachelorette while I write this probably doesn’t help!) I have to stop myself and say “It will happen when it is meant to happen” and gee I hope it’s amazing when it does!

For right now, at this point in life’s journey I am trying really hard to embrace who I am. To not become too focused on becoming an ‘us’ but to really enjoy being 26 and enjoy being single.

Take care.

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Looking after yourself is so important! Over these last few months I have learnt just how crucial it is to your wellbeing that you stop and take a moment for yourself, especially when life it tough. And truthfully, when isn’t it?!

After chatting with a beautiful friend the other day about how she was feeling burnt out and losing her love of something she enjoys and is really good at, I started thinking back on decisions I’ve made in the past to push my own needs to the bottom of the pile and deal with everything else first. I learnt the hard way that if you don’t take care of yourself – all aspect of yourself – then stuff gets so much harder, you feel overwhelmed and life is not what it could be. You’re just going through the motions, gliding through in autopilot.

After going through a really crappy season of my own life I’ve been provided with some overdue R&R time, I’ve been able to do some things I really enjoy as well as think about what I want out of life. Doing these things has gone a long way towards improving my mental, emotional and physical health. I have been able to put me first which is not my natural go-to move!

So here are my top tips for taking care of yourself…

  1. Laugh! I have put this first because I love to laugh and it truly makes things better. Having a good laugh makes the crappy stuff feel a little easier to handle. Whether it’s laughing with a friend or watching a crazy cat video or remembering something funny that happened the other day – it all helps! Scientifically there are also a bunch of health benefits, laughing is actually good for your health!!
  2. Make the time to do something you enjoy. This can be hard when life is busy. You feel selfish for taking that time but in the long run I think it is really beneficial, for you and those around you. Being able to relax and reset gives you the oomph you need to give your all in whatever it is you’re doing. So whatever it is – painting, reading, gardening, having a bubble bath, doing a puzzle, working on your car, baking a cake, going for a walk or listening to music – do it! Do it for as long as you can (even if that is not much) but try and set aside a chunk of regular time, maybe once a week, that you can really get into whatever it is you enjoy.
  3. Move your butt! This is one that I really struggle with but whenever I get my heart rate up I feel so much better. And I am sure my body thanks me for it!
  4. Get amongst nature. Spending time in the sun (be sun safe kids!) or in nature is always something I enjoy. Not only do you get to see some amazing creations – flowers, birds, animals, insects; but your body actually benefits from it (science backs me up on that one too!)! I’ve seen it in kids, when they are outside they are learning so much and resetting their minds and their bodies. The smells and sounds and things they can touch are so different from the stuff that is inside and they benefit from it! It is the same for adults, our inner being needs nature to be happier overall.
  5. Do something for someone else. This one gives me all the positive feels when I purposefully do something for someone else and I think that the world would be a much better place if we all thought of others more. Is there someone in your world having a tough time? Can you write them a card, make them dinner, mow their lawn or shout them a coffee? Is there a charity you really like that could use some help making phone calls or doing some shredding? Take a minute to think of what you can do for others and I think you’ll find that you feel better afterwards.
  6. Spend time with people you enjoy being with. Whether it is friends or family, spend as much time as you can with people who really add to your life. Not in a creepy, stalker way but in a ‘I like to spend time with you’ way 🙂 If there are people who are not bringing anything positive to your life then spend a moment to evaluate if they belong and deserve your time. This can be hard but I think it is worth it. Now I know that there are people who you might not have a choice about (like a colleague, family member or friends’ partner) and I am definitely not saying you tell them to stick it and never see them again! But make the choice to spend your precious time with those who you truly enjoy being with.

Now I know there are tonnes more ways to take care of yourself, as everyone enjoys different stuff, and I am certainly not an expert on any of it! But I think it is really important that we make a conscious effort to do at least one of these and put ourselves first once in a while. Is there any others that you find help you to relax?

Take a deep breath, find something just for you and enjoy your life.

 

Making a list and checking it twice.

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If you were asked to describe me in a word or two, I think most people who know me would include something along the lines of ‘organised’, ‘perfectionsit’ or ‘a little OCD’.
I am definitely someone who likes to make lists (and of course they have to be on nice paper with a fancy pen – because…stationary!), be organised and have everything in its’ place. I like to have a plan – to know what’s coming and what I can do to make it happen. I am a details girl through and through! Tell me to do something specific and you can bet I will do it to the best of my abilities, but tell me that you need something done but give me no information about how, then I’m really going to struggle! Anyone else relate?
There are so many ‘To Do lists’ happening in my life at the moment – stuff to save for, people to catch up with, forms to get for Centrelink, things to do around the house (weeding my garden is on there but I really hate weeding so it might stay there for a while!). I mostly make them so I don’t forget but also because it kind of calms me, knowing I have it written somewhere. And it’s quite satisfying to tick it off when it’s done!
But at this point in time my actual life’s purpose is a bit of an unknown and that is hard for me! Especially when I have always known, or thought I knew, what that purpose was – to be an Early Childhood teacher. I was always working towards that goal. First it was get a high enough UAI (which I did by .2!) so I could get into uni, then it was finish uni, then it was get the dream job. When I had that dream job I was always working to better myself, going to courses and conferences, researching online, buying and making resources for my classroom.
To be honest, I think that might be why I am in this situation now, because my whole life revolved around that job. I put nearly every waking minute and pretty much every thought into it, because I loved it. I know that’s not a way to live but I really, really loved being a teacher and I am pretty good at it to! But now I have learnt that there is more to me, or there needs to be more to me than that.  First and foremost I am a child of God! Everything else comes after, and I had to be taught the hard way 🙂
Throughout this last month and a half but especially this last week, I have really had to step back and enjoy the nothingness, enjoy that I don’t have anywhere in particular to be, enjoy that God has allowed me to have some time to myself.
So even though I like to have a plan and I like that I am an organised person, I am also starting to appreciate the spontaneity of life. No, I am not going to rush out and go sky diving or sell my car to buy a boat or book a holiday on a whim, but I am going to take this time to heal from a lot of hurt and just be. Just appreciate how lucky I am and draw in closer to God.